I think I’m relatively sane, although I did wonder for a while! You probably think I’m joking but I actually feel quite embarrassed about some of the things I said/did during the early weeks after my husband Norbert was killed in the glider crash. Here’s where I admit to some of the reeeeally stupid things…. 🙂

Two hours after I was told that Norbert had died, one of my urgent priorities was to cancel an appointment for the hairdresser which was scheduled for the following morning. Somewhere in my completely shattered mind I thought this was a priority. I guess I should be thankful that I didn’t think it was a priority to actually keep that appointment!

It gets better. I began day 2 of my life without a husband by getting on the phone and cancelling Norbert’s magazine subscriptions. I can’t imagine what those poor Admin staff on the other end of the phone thought! Just part of their everyday communication? Like….”I’d like to cancel my husband’s subscription with you because he died yesterday.” Sheesh!!! I bet that was a topic of conversation in their staff room that morning. 😀

There are numerous examples of my temporary insanity, and I’m sure there are even more that I have forgotten. My close friends and family will attest to the fact that I was ‘not quite right in the head’ but it was only much later that I could look back at those times and agree. At the time it all made perfect sense to me.

To put this into context, I also needed to be reminded to eat, all routine I might have previously had was completely out the door and I was often wandering the house in the middle of the night. Absolutely nothing was ‘normal’ for me and I was living in a fog.

Since that time I have done some research and reading up about this behaviour because I needed to know if this was ‘normal’. Apparently it is completely normal. Whew!

“There is a dimension of grief called the ‘going crazy’ syndrome. It’s like being in the middle of a wild, rushing river where you can’t get a grasp on anything. Disconnected thoughts race through your mind, and strong emotions may be overwhelming.“

https://www.centerforloss.com/2016/12/youre-not-going-crazy-youre-grieving/

Evidently the brain partially shuts down after such a traumatic event, as a way of protecting the body. It’s quite normal and isn’t permanent, but at the time I felt I was living in some sort of surrealistic nightmare.

If you are supporting someone who has recently experienced traumatic loss, then it is probably good that you keep this in mind, and are reassuring. A couple of amazing friends and my two daughters were the lighthouses in my storm during that time.

A friend cancelled that appointment with the hairdresser when I asked her to, all without batting an eyelid. She was calm and matter-of-fact….as if it was a perfectly reasonable request. 🙂 My daughters kept a close eye on me and were monitoring everything. They responded calmly to the ridiculous sense of urgency I felt at ‘jobs that needed to be done…now!’

For example, I discovered that the camping fridge wasn’t working properly, and set my poor family and friends on the urgent task to get it fixed or replaced. Keep in mind that I live in a regional area so a job like this is not easy at the best of times. But I needed it done….so they simply complied with my wishes. Ummmm….when was I next going to be going camping???

My eldest daughter later said:

“As a family member there, I actually found it helpful as it gave me a way of ‘helping you’ in the most practical sense. I think it helped give me something to do at a time when you don’t really know what to do as the shock is still so raw.“

Anyway, I think I began to feel more sane after a few months and now 17 months later I believe I’m reasonably OK. Well, close enough. I am still very forgetful and need to write everything down, but I’m hoping that’s just a lingering symptom. 😉

I have a Type-A personality so maybe it is connected to this personality trait but I’d be interested to know if others have experienced that same sense of urgency. (Drop a comment below if you can answer my question).

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Marlene is an Australian widow who has written about all the good, bad and ugly stuff that happened after her husband Norbert died tragically. Marlene responds to all comments.