This post is about FEAR. It’s about what happens when I need to run away…and I can’t. OK, that’s a strange way to begin a blog post and you might be wondering what I’m on about with that statement. Quite honestly though, the understanding behind it has been a recent epiphany for me! I’m confusing you though and I need to start at the beginning. 😏

I’ve been going through a very difficult time. Actually, that’s rather an understatement as I’ve been so stressed that the panic attacks I first experienced after Norbert died have returned. I hadn’t had a panic attack for ages and I thought they were part of a traumatic past….so it has been scary to go back there.

What has happened? You really don’t need all the detail but suffice it to say that since I signed the contract that signified the sale of my house, it has been a spiral downward due mainly to the fact that I haven’t been able to find another place to go, and the date I have to leave is looming closer. Add to that some upsetting issues with agents and buyers and a houseful of stuff that needs sorting, packing and boxing….not to mention the whole pandemic thing which has prevented family being able to come up and help.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I found myself standing in the kitchen with my heart pounding, hands shaking, sweating and trying not to be sick. I was feeling scared, and very, very alone. Unlike the first time after Norbert died when I thought I was having a heart attack, this time I at least knew that it was a panic attack. Full on….like I was back at the beginning of the nightmare.

THE SCARINESS OF SPIRALLING DOWNWARD

During the time I have been writing about my life experiences, I’ve received some lovely messages, with many saying “..you are so brave and strong.” Please let me reiterate that I’m really very ordinary and not at all ‘brave’ or ‘strong’. I’m just trying to live my life… and sometimes it feels like I’m not doing a very good job.

After that first panic attack, my mental health spiraled down rapidly as I was experiencing attacks almost daily (albeit more minor) as I tried to pack boxes and clean out cupboards while also dealing with Conveyancers, demands from the buyers, Property Managers and driving around looking at rental possibilities…some of which made me cringe with the awfulness of them.

By now I had (sensibly, I think) put aside the idea of looking for a new house to buy. At this stage my priority was to simply find a place to rent, move my stuff and feel safe again. Time later to find a more permanent home.

I quickly became exhausted as the sleepless nights and frenetic days caught up with me. All my carefully built up, positive habits flew out the window as my daily walks and healthy exercise became less frequent, and reaching for the wine bottle and sleeping tablets took their place. And healthy meals? How about cake instead. 😦

TRYING TO TURN THINGS AROUND

The morning following that first panic attack, I rang my doctor and told her what had happened, and that I needed to talk to someone. Calling her was the first thing that came to mind but I do believe that reaching out for help when you desperately need it is a brave thing to do. (OK, maybe that does make me a little bit brave. 🙃)

“Having a panic attack is said to be one of the most intensely frightening, upsetting and uncomfortable experiences in a person’s life.”

Medical News Today: What to know about panic attacks

Unfortunately, she explained that a combination of living in a small town and the demands on mental health services caused by the pandemic meant that professional help was going to be at least 10 days away….and only available via video-chat. I was going to end up waaay down this frightening road if I waited for that.

FIGURING OUT WHAT WOULD HELP

Firstly, I decided that some serious self-care was essential. I had to put down some of the balls I was trying to juggle. I couldn’t put down anything related to the move but I decided to step back from the work I was doing in a local volunteer role. That helped take off a little bit of pressure.

Next, I couldn’t access the professional help yet but I knew I had to be totally honest with everyone around me. I had to share what was actually a feeling of INTENSE FEAR that was consuming me. Fear of being homeless. Fear of not being able to pack up in time. Fear of not having the physical stamina to do everything that needed to be done. Fear of getting sick. Fear of…well….fear of all the worry and more panic attacks.

I decided that it was urgent that I make contact with friends and family. Importantly, when they said “How are you going?” I didn’t respond with my usual smile and “I’m fine”. Instead, I told the truth and said “Actually, I’m not doing so great”. In each case I couldn’t stop the tears as I broke down and admitted that I felt like I was falling apart.

It helped. It didn’t make the fears and worries go away, nor the physical exhaustion caused by overwork and lack of sleep, but it did help a lot with the feeling of being utterly alone.I think that old saying ‘A problem shared is a problem halved’ has a lot going for it. 🥰

There was something else that has really helped too. I used meditation to get me through the first night after Norbert died, and I have relied on it again. Part of my normal wellness routine has been a meditation on most days, but I upped that to at least 3 times a day.

I found one that was an ‘SOS’…designed to be used during a panic attack and helpful for slowing down the heart rate. Also, when I was feeling overwhelmed with too much to do, I made myself sit down (even for 5 minutes) and listen to a recorded, calm voice ‘talk me down off the cliff’.

FINALLY…GAINING UNDERSTANDING

All the above helped a lot, but it was a conversation I had with an incredibly insightful woman which was the ultimate revelation for me.

She admitted that she had never personally experienced a panic attack, but understood that they were caused by the body pumping out adrenaline in what is essentially a ‘fight or flight’ response. Useful if you’re about to be attacked by a wild animal. Less so in my situation.

This clever lady went on”You are a flight person. It is not a bad thing and there is no judgement, but your preferred path is flight. “

Hmmm…that’s true when I think about it. My run last year to escape accumulated stressors, and even a recent road trip to escape from the pressure of ongoing home inspections. Gee…when I thought about it…I even ended my first marriage by running away!

This smart lady went on….“When Norbert died your world crashed down around you and you couldn’t run away. You were forced to deal with something huge and scary. You had no choice but to fight. That is why the panic attacks started at that time.”

Wow….my mind ticked over. She’s right! When I re-read some of what I have written in the past, I actually use the words ‘trapped in a nightmare’ to describe how I was feeling.

“And that is why the panic attacks have come back” she concluded. “With a settlement date coming up, having to make all the decisions plus the physical efforts and no partner to share the burden, your mind and your body badly needs to adopt flight mode’ and run away for a break. But you can’t.”

The penny dropped and it became clear in more ways than one. For me, it also explains why meditation has become so important and why I find it helpful. It’s because it allows me a temporary escape from the worries for my future. It allows me a ‘little holiday’.

Oh wow, (I’m on a roll here…😋) when I really think about it, it also explains why it was important for me to write the post How to take a break from grief. Again…needing to run away!? Or maybe not running away but taking a necessary break to help me cope.

IT’S NOT ABOUT BEING BRAVE – IT’S ABOUT SURVIVING

Despite my obviously basic need to adopt ‘flight’ as a mechanism for self-preservation, I realise that I have survived the mental shock of losing my soul-mate so tragically. I’ve survived needing to rebuild my life, and develop what is essentially a new identity. I’ve even survived the anxieties of solo travel…including forgetting to pack my walking shoes! 😁

Realising that I have gone against my nature and actually pushed through and survived a number of ‘fights’ in the past has given me assurance that I can do this. Right now is not the time to be considering the benefits of panic attacks (heaven forbid) but I’m actually pretty sure that I will look back on this time and see it as part of an ongoing period of mental growth.

I haven’t gone back to the beginning. It’s all part of the journey.

What are your thoughts? How do you deal with fear? Are you a Fight or a Flight person? Please let me know in the Comments box below…I’d love to hear from you. 🥰

UPDATE: Want to skip ahead and find out how things turned out? Read my post Moving house and surviving. Spoiler alert…it all turned out well. 🙂

Marlene is an Australian widow who has written about all the good, bad and ugly stuff that happened after her husband Norbert died tragically. Marlene responds to all comments.